What gets in the way of Boundaries?

For many reasons, we may have learned that it isn’t safe to acknowledge, hold, or experience our boundaries.

We may have perceived that what we were sensing wasn’t safe to express, or that even if we expressed our needs or preferences, they wouldn’t be acknowledged or respected. 

Even those of us with well-meaning parents who themselves didn’t have tools and resources to understand these dynamics may have been programmed with rules like “no body likes a complainer” or “you’re just making it up for attention”. Or we might not have been trained to recognize different sensations or to have language to describe things like needing to go to the bathroom or feeling tired and overwhelmed.

One of the biggest ways that this can manifest is in what is known as “codependency”.  

Co-dependency represents the moment where you allow someone or something “out there” to become bigger, more important, or more powerful than your own sense of yourself, your needs, and your boundaries. 

When we find ourselves in “codependent” relationships, what we’re really saying is that we don’t believe we have what we need to survive or function without that thing “out there”.

At one point in our life, that was true. When we are born, we really do depend on something out there to survive and to regulate and to find our place in the world. Which is why those of us who grew up with unhealthy family boundaries often find ourselves struggling so much with boundaries and co-dependency. 

(Not sure if this is you? Check out this checklist and see where you land.)

There are many beautiful resources to support exploration (Terri Cole, Melody Beatty, Colette Dowling, Harriet Lerner, and many others), but for now, begin to track your own experience of boundaries.

Make space to notice if you have internalized expectations about showing up for others before you show up for yourself.

Until you’re able to recognize these scripts and notice when they come online, you’ll continue to rely on external validation, feedback, and information while missing out on the wisdom, safety, and regulation that are available within your own body and emotions.