Boundaries help us know we exist
We’re born with very little awareness of our own boundaries; in fact, our first experience of the edges of our bodies, our boundaries, is communicated to our nervous system through our interaction with the uterine lining and the birth canal. Our first experience of self-ness is expanding from the safety of oneness with our birth parent.
As we develop, our early experience is filled with figuring out ourself in relation to something else, usually our caregiver. We want to understand “what is me” and “what is you” and this progresses through phases as we begin to understand there is a “me” that exists distinctly, yet safely, in relationship to “you”.
A “boundary” is made up of sensations, emotions, and sensory information that offer red or green lights to our experience of relationship with world around us.
Our “boundaries” are communicated to us through our own awareness of our internal experience as we interact with the outside world. What we often express as “boundaries” are our judgements in response to this internal experience: “I’m enjoying this and I want more of it”, or, “I don’t like that, please stop”.
This can become confusing if we lose track of our own internal information in favor of relying on external signals. Or if we confuse external signals as more valuable than our own needs or sensory information. Or if we perceive the only way to regulate our experience is by relying on someone “out there”.
Our boundaries are expressions of our unique experiences; they provide the feedback we need to make decisions, communicate, connect, and regulate ourselves.
Terri Cole describes five primary kinds of boundaries:
Physical: How you prefer to keep your personal space; how much privacy you require; and how you prefer others to interact with you physically (e.g., hug, handshake, or neither?).
Sexual: How you prefer to be touched, practice consent, and experience intimacy.
Material: How you relate to your possessions; whether you give or lend things, like clothes, money, computer, food, and even your toothbrush.
Mental: How you share your thoughts, values, and opinions. Knowing what you believe and being able to stand firm in your beliefs, even when others disagree or disapprove. Being flexible enough to see another point of view as well.
Emotional: How you take responsibility for your emotions and distinguish them from someone else's. Not feeling guilty or responsible for feelings that are not yours. Refraining from giving or receiving unsolicited advice or blaming others.
These boundaries can fall in a spectrum from rigid (inflexible, usually to avoid feeling vulnerable), to healthy (I know where my limits are and feel comfortable communicating those as needed), to porous (poorly defined or held, often to avoid risking the possibility of angering or displeasing the other).
How we hold our boundaries may also depend on the relationship or situation we find ourselves in. Someone with rigid physical boundaries for strangers (don’t touch me!) may have porous boundaries with loved ones (I let you touch me whenever or however you want). Someone with flexible material boundaries with friends (come over and borrow my books whenever you want) may have developed rigid material boundaries with family (you are not allowed in my house or to have access to my possessions).
By increasing our awareness of our physical sensations and emotions, we can start to understand more about ourselves and what we need or want.
When we know we exist, we’re more likely to feel empowered to make decisions about what we do or don’t want to do with our time, our energy, and our relationships.
